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My book is now available. I have set up a website @ www.gentlerecovery.webs.com for anyone interested in purchasing the book.
I never meant this to turn into a book. I never wanted anyone to know the horrible things that happened. I started writing to get the images out of my head and as I did, some people came alongside me, encouraging me to tell my story.
It's my prayer that whoever reads In the Eye of Deception, will find hope and freedom for whatever situation they are in.
Healing and recovery is a process, a long process. There were times I dared Him to kill me. Instead, He waited until I was ready. I am so grateful He let me live. Now I owe Him. I need to tell, to tell what only He was able to do in my life.
I never told anyone. I kept it all inside. I started to wonder if it was some crazy dream or if it even happened at all. I thought maybe I made it up? Other times I thought - it wasn't that bad - it was no big deal. But last year people I hadn't seen started surfacing - family, friends - people who knew....
You're a miracle they said. How did you survive?
Survive? Miracle? What did they mean? They started to tell me stories of their memories of how bad things were, how thin I had become, how out of control......My older sister who I hadn't seen for a long time returned from living overseas. She needed to talk. She forced me to listen....forced me to remember.
The memories hit. They hit hard. I wrote to get the images out of my head.
I couldn't eat or sleep. I wanted to get in my car, close my eyes and drive. It felt like it was happening all over again - the beatings, the confinement, the rape - throwing up day after day after day even if I had tasted even a small bite of something - shoving needles in my arm - three and four times a day - ripping my arms with jagged rocks to feel something because I felt nothing. I was numb inside.
Why now God? Why are you letting me go through this now? I didn't want to remember and yet in remembering it dawned on me - finally - just how far down God had reached to free me.
Everyday in the heat, rain and cold - I ran - alone in the woods - in the hills near our home. There I felt the gentle touch of God - And I heard His whisper - You're stronger now. It's time to tell the truth of what happened. Tell your story to give someone hope -
How could I have never told anyone what He did. Nothing worked. Nothing could break the chains that kept me in living on the edge. Nothing except the gentleness of His touch.
The power of His gentleness.......
This November, I will publish my story In the Eye of Deception. A True Story.
The book In the Eye of Deception is done. It's now being edited and hopefully will be published early October.
I promised God I would tell anyone He wants how awful things had gotten. How far down He had reached to pull me out. I had never told anyone. Now, I'm stronger. It's time to tell.
"In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
Who are caught in the schemes he devises.
He lies in wait, watching in secret for his victims.
He lies in wait like a lion in cover;
He lies in wait to capture the helpless and drags them off in his net.
His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength. Ps 10:2:9,10 NIV
I have discovered how important it is to be still and listen to that quiet voice inside us. That voice will never steer us wrong. The outside of a person or group can have all the appearance of being good, or right but it can be so wrong. Many deceptive people have learned to talk the right things. Think of Jim Jones the cult leader who led so many to die by their own hand. When he started out, he spoke of doing God's work, embracing all people regardless of color...... And yet, he had no idea what truth was. He built an empire to himself, participated in horrible acts of abuse of some of his followers, especially children and became nothing more then a mad man leading people who hungered for truth.
No one's denial of the truth can ever invalidate it. I never told what happened. Today I will tell. I'm stronger. I need to tell.
I owe it to God - to God who freed me when nothing else could.
I am finding the courage to tell. Even today some people deny the holocust ever took place - But it did.
I am finding the courage to tell what happened despite those who were involved, who watched and knew or who may have taken part in the harm that occured and who refuse to admit it - in order to protect themselves. The worse thing a human being can do is watch someone inflict injury and harm on another and turn away and do nothing. I will live my life as an advocate for those victims who cannot speak up for themselves.
"Woe to those who call evil good evil and evil good,Who put darkness for light and light for darkness,Who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.Woe to those who are wise in their own eyesAnd clever in their own sight." Isaiah 5:20,21This true account of childhood abuse, confinement and rape offers hope for those fighting similiar battles and provides some tools and resources to overcome drug addiction, eating disorders and self-injury.
